A man walks into a bar and it’s empty – it’s just him and the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink.
He hears someone whisper, “Pssst…I like your tie.” The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone.
“Pssst…that color looks nice on you.”
He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?”
The bartender rolls his eyes and says, “No, sorry about that. It’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary.”
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500 dollars.”
“Why does the parrot cost so much?” asks the man. The owner says, “Well the parrot knows how to use a computer.”
The man then asks about the next parrot and learns that it costs $1,000 dollars because it can do everything the first parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot, only to be told that it costs $2,000 dollars.
Needless to say, this begs the question, “What can it do?”
To which the owner replies, “To be honest I have never seen it do anything but the other two call him boss!”
An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot and asked the owner if she could buy it. The owner said, “Heck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me – you do not want that parrot!”
She said, “I can teach it good manners.”
But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.
She took it out and said, “Did you learn your lesson?” The parrot said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds. She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet.
The parrot said “Brr… Yes, I learned my lesson, but, what did the chicken do?”
Two antennas decided to get married, the ceremony was pretty boring, but the reception was great!
I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5 % raise.
Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?” I responded, “The gas, electric and cable company.”
A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife’s hearing. The doctor says, “Stand behind her and say something and come back and tell me how close you are when she hears you.”
The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop. About 15 feet away he says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Nothing. He gets halfway to her and repeats the same question. Nothing. Very concerned, he gets right behind her and asks again “What’s for dinner?” She turns around and says, “For the THIRD time, beef stew!”
The graveside service had just ended when there was a frightening clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning accompanied by even louder thunder. The little old man looked at the pastor and said calmly, “Well, she’s there.”
I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight. “Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked. “Yes,” I said. “They hurt my feelings.”
As the hostess at the casino buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my husband, who would be joining me momentarily. I started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly …” She stopped me there. “Honey,” she said, “today is senior day. They all look like that.”